First off, I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. In the sense that you are curious as to the purpose of this blog and what you may run across, I would like to introduce myself and explain a little bit behind the why and who exactly I am...
My name is Delilah and I am from Albertville, Al. I am married to my best friend, Justin, and we have five dogs, four cats (of whom I am allergic to), and two turtles. We both attend and serve at one of the greatest churches we have ever experienced, Compassion City Church, and we are both nerds in our own ways.
There are often times where I get a spark of creativity, but no clear direction on how to get it out of my system. Long posts on Facebook don't always get seen because the algorithm is whack, and while I am not exactly doing this for views, it would be nice to know that someone out there at least has the choice on whether or not they would like to read the word vomit I am pouring my heart into. This idea was birthed during a conversation with the Lord at 12:32 am on Monday, July 20th, 2026. A place where I can freely talk about my relationship with God and just the day to day things I encounter as a person who struggles often, but refuses to let those struggles define who she is. A place for the dark things, as well as the light, the funny and the not so funny, the mundane and the extraordinary. A place where it becomes second nature to know that there is always Grace Between The Pages, and this is my Olive Branch Journal.
I have been through a lot of heavy things in my short twenty-eight years, and it has absolutely shaped me into the person I am today. I would be lying if I said that some of the things I have had to walk through were okay, as I do wish the big things could have played out differently. But I will go ahead and touch on those for anyone that is unaware of the invisible scars that I wear.
When I was only twelve years old, my dad decided to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It was January of 2011 and it had been a decent snow, my older siblings and I went and intentionally got snowed in at a friend's house for a few days. The roads were still rough so our dad decided he would drive out to come get us and bring us home, and we had such a good day together. We played in the front yard of my childhood home that sat right on a main highway of Straight Mountain, with traffic backed up we had strangers getting out of their cars and watching us slide down the hill and throwing snowballs. They engaged us while also trying to see what was causing the hold up down the road. During this, there had been a vehicle pull into our driveway and our dad went over to them. We simply thought they were just turning around because they didn't want to wait, and that was that. Dad had stepped in the house after they pulled back onto the highway and we eventually called it quits and went inside to take a break and eat lunch.
At this point, our dad said he was going to drive into town and get a few things from the store and that he would be back soon. We thought nothing of it, and took him at this word. But shortly after he left, he called my sister and told her to get my brother and me and put him on speaker so he could talk to all of us. he informed us that the man that turned around in our driveway was actually a distant cousin who had brought him a gun and that he was going to use it. Dad was not happy with life currently and he was convinced that things were not going to get better, and that he hoped we would be able to forgive him one day. He went to the church where he married our mom and said that he was going to end it there, and then he disconnected the line.
Again, we keep in mind that I am only twelve at this point, and truly do not understand what I just heard. I am sitting there watching both my sister and brother freak out trying to call our dad back, while also making other phone calls to family letting them know of what just happened. We load up in one of the other vehicles we had at the house and drove to our aunt's house. It was confirmed shortly after that our dad did follow through with what he said he planned to do and it was over, he was gone and there was nothing that could be done to fix it. Our entire lives just shifted hard and this was only the start of things falling apart.
Clearly having gone through something like this at a young age, it changes the way you view the world around you. It alters your brain and how you process the things you go through from that point forward. There was a lot of anger and unanswered questions. A lot of sadness and lack of understanding, as well as a lack of sympathy and calm decisions. Blame was placed and statements made in haste, just adding to the damage being done in the heat of the moment. I, however, was still trying to even catch up to what was happening and what this meant for my family and I.
Let's fast forward just a bit; I turned thirteen a few months later, but then things really took a turn for me when I hit age fifteen. I became very self destructive and I was holding on to so much anger. I felt alone, as my family fell apart. My siblings had split off and my mother was very understandably not herself anymore. I was treated differently by my teachers at school, and the few close friends I had were the only thing that stayed the same. But at the end of the day, I didn't want to be on this earth anymore. I wanted to be done and I had a plan. I did choose to self harm, trying to give a physical view of the emotional pain I was sitting in every day. I wanted this decision to be what finally took away the pain and freed me from having to live with it any longer, but little did I know...God had other plans. With three failed attempts, I finally told myself that I clearly couldn't do it right and just needed to stop. I told my mom that I needed help and she was going to get it for me. I was moments from being checked into a facility that might have helped me, but once I learned that I would be sharing a room with a stranger, and because of that they would have to take the draw string from my hoodie, I freaked out and said that I could not go through with this. I could not stay somewhere that it was possible I would be hurt by someone else who was going through dark things like I was. That thought was just too much for me to handle and I wanted to go home. I told my mom that I would figure out how to get better without having to be away from home.
We changed me from public school to home schooling. I thought that was the greatest thing ever, especially considering my tolerance for people was almost nonexistent at this point in my life, being around people was no longer something I enjoyed, it just made me anxious and drained of energy. I stopped hurting myself, but I was not thriving, simply surviving. But one day I was introduced to someone who owned a campground and that campground had several horses, a large pond full of fish, and felt like it was miles away from people. I started spending time at this specific campground and found ways to helpful and feel needed again. I bonded with a horse that had a bad past and didn't much care for people, yet a took an interest in me and slowly let me in, and his name was Rebel.
Rebel was amazing. He was small and the same age as me, but he was perfect in my eyes. Rebel gave me back a peace that I had been without for so long, and he made it clear that he chose me, that he was meant to be there for me. I was eventually gifted Rebel and I poured so much time and love into him. He was the therapy I had been seeking and he helped heal the parts of me I never wanted to acknowledge. He was a gift from God and I truly think that was a planted seed by the Lord Himself.
Now we are going to skip over a little bit of trauma, and touch on what took place after I turned seventeen. I was working my first job, I was in the public again and I had new friends. I was a responsible young adult doing my part and living with my sister. I was happy and life was going the way I thought it should, and then I met someone who we will refer to as... Tom. Tom was charming and handsome, and he showed an interest in me that I was flattered by. I met him halfway on this and we eventually start dating. Tom showed some alarming traits almost immediately, but I had never been in a legitimate relationship before so I had no idea that the things he was doing were not normal. Love bombing, jealous tendencies, making it hard to see my friends without it being an issue and forcing me to feel guilty about it. When I would text male friends, Tom made it seem like it was the end of the world and would become hysterical and would put on the biggest show of water works and would made me feel so bad about it and promise to not do it anymore. I should have know that was not normal, but I cared about Tom and wanted to make it work, because when things were good it was great.
Things eventually get to the point where Tom wants to do more than what we were doing. Because if I loved him and trusted him, I should want to give him a part of myself that no one else could ever have. I was unsure and didn't exactly want to. I was not interested in giving up a part of myself that didn't need to belong to another person at this time, but my lack of interest did nothing to deter him. Tom decided that because he wanted it, he would take it and figure out a way to make it seem like it was an okay thing that he was doing. And because of Tom, the last piece of innocence I had was taken away from me.
At age eighteen, I am still with Tom and was convinced to move in with him. I was made to think that playing house like this was alright and it was what I needed. Tom worked out of town Monday through Friday so I was alone during the week. I wasn't able to spend time with friends, because if I did it would cause a fight with Tom and I eventually lost the will to fight back about it and I allowed him to seclude me away from family and friends. After a while, it became clear that Tom really enjoyed drinking and missed being the "life of the party" that he was used to being. But one night that took a turn and I almost lost my life because of it.
Tom had overheard me asking a couple of his friends to make sure he made it home safely, and that simple act sent Tom into a rage I had never seen before. He proceeded to drag me out of the truck once we pulled into the driveway, he beat me in the front yard and had me staring down the barrel of an AK-47 he owned. I was then forced into the trailer we lived in, he shattered his phone and I did everything I could to keep mine hidden so that I would have a way to call for help eventually. My dogs kept trying to get between us and I just knew that if Tom hurt either of my dogs, I would have turned the tables and I would have found a way to end him. But thankfully my dogs were never harmed during the scuffle and eventually it ended with Tom puking up everything and crying while apologizing to me. I put him to bed and slept on the pullout couch while waking up every so often to ensure Tom was not drowning in vomit in his sleep. The next morning I woke up Tom and asked if he recalled what happened, and he did. I let him know that I had called his mother and he needed to leave and go to her house so that I could pack my things, take my dogs, and leave him. That is exactly what happened, it was over and I managed to survive somehow.
After all the things I had been through, I truly thought life was just something to survive and that there would be no "thriving" from here on out. I found myself in another relationship that was good until it wasn't. I was never harmed, but it did feel like he had the same tendencies as my dad, where beer and video games were more important that anything else, and ultimately that pushed me in the direction of walking away. I didn't want to end up marrying someone like my dad, and this guy deserved someone who was happy to be with him.
At age twenty, I am bitter and I loath people. I don't want to be with anyone, I want to be alone because it is safer that way. I just want a few friends to do things with and that was it. But then I met Justin and slowly realized that I had managed to fall in love with him without even meaning to. Justin was everything I did not know I needed in my life. He was kind to me, he went to church and even served at that church. He made it a point to see me and he even made it known that he didn't need or want me throwing myself at him, because being together outside of marriage wasn't something we ought to be doing in the first place. He was amazing and he was slowly helping me become a better person. He proposed, we got married, and my journey with truly knowing God all started because of Justin and the way he chose to love me.
Now we arrive at the current day. We will be married for six years at the end of November, I am saved and have a true relationship with God. I am on medication for my bipolar depression and it no longer defines who I am, it is just something I work with a doctor on how to manage. I serve on the worship team at our church, as well as a few other random things that help take some weight off of the other leaders. I do my best to find joy in the simple things and I attempt to romanticize my life. I try to be the friend that I wish younger me would have had, and I ensure that I love with my whole heart. I don't have enemies, but simply people who have hurt me in a time that they were hurting, and I have grace for the situation. I show up in the hard things and I practice consistency, because I know just how important that is. I make it a point to study my bible and deepen my understanding in God, because without Him I would not be here doing this today.
I still struggle and I still go through things that weigh heavy on me, but I now understand that I am not alone. I will never again be alone or made to face things without hope. I have a Father who wants the very best for me, a husband who loves me like Jesus, some close friends who are honest with me and help hold me accountable, and I have a really great family full of those by blood and those chosen. I am a very blessed individual despite what I have experienced and it is up to me to not lose sight of that fact. I am a daughter of the Most High and I am allowed to live this life boldly.
If you made it this far, maybe you can better understand why I am the way I am, why I do certain things or have control freak tendencies. Maybe you learned why I love as hard as I do and why I advocate and do not believe that there is such a thing as empty threats of "not wanting to be here anymore". I have lived those threats in various ways, and I am stronger because of it. I hope that in all of this, you see Jesus in me, and not just the dirty sinner whose flesh still wins sometimes. I hope you can look at me with fresh eyes and a clearer understanding, and that you see something encouraging. Something that perhaps you would like to have for yourself.
You are loved. You are called. You are chosen. You are needed. Jesus loves you, and so do I.
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