Weird topic, yeah? But we live in a time where so many people constantly live in a place of offense, when most times it doesn't add up to being a justifiable reaction. So let's talk about it.
There are things that can sometimes feel rude, but they aren't. They are just uncomfortable. And because we are so accustomed to keeping everyone else comfortable, we can mistake our own discomfort for someone else's wrongdoing. We think we are being rude when really we're really just being honest. We think we are being selfish when we're really just setting a boundary. We think we're being cold when we're really just tired. We think we're being difficult when we're simply saying, "no, that does not work for me." Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that being a good person meant being agreeable, available, accommodating, and easy to deal with. Let's look at a some big examples, shall we...
Saying "No" without writing a novel about it. "No" is a complete sentence. Yet some of us still feel obligated to provide a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we can't attend dinner, take on another responsibility, rearrange our schedule, or do something we simply don't want to do. Sometime a simple, "I'm not able to do that", is enough. You don't owe everyone the entire story behind your decision. You can be respectful without being endlessly explanatory.
Not answering immediately. A text is not a summons. Just because someone cna reach you instantly doesn't mean you're required to respond instantly. You might be working, driving, spending time with your family, reading, or simply may not feel like talking. And that is OKAY. Being available twenty-four hours a day isn't a requirement of being a good friend, spouse, family member, or human being. Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do it put the phone down and actually be where you are.
Leaving without saying goodbye to everyone. Sometimes you have reached your social limit. You've smiled, talked, laughed, participated, and now you are ready to go home. This doesn't mean you are angry and it doesn't mean that you hate anyone, nor does it mean that you didn't enjoy yourself. Sometimes you are simply done, and that is allowed.
Not wanting to explain yourself. There is a difference between accountability and constant justification. If you're made a decision that affects someone else. of course communication matters, but not every personal decision requires a committee meeting. You don't have to convince everyone that your choice is valid before you're allowed to make it. Sometimes, "this is what I've decided", is enough.
Changing your mind. You are allowed to change your mind. About plans, relationships, jobs, where you want to live, what you want your life to look like, what you thought you wanted five years ago...changing your mind doesn't automatically make you unreliable. It means you've learned something. Sometimes you have grown, and sometimes it means the person you are today has difference information that the person you were yesterday. Growth has a funny way of changing our answers.
Not wanting to talk about it. "I'm not ready to talk about it", isn't necessarily avoidance. Sometimes it is wisdom. There are things we need to process privately before we can articulate them publicly. There are feelings we have not figured out. There are wounds that do not need an audience. You are allowed to say, "I don't want to talk about it right now." And you do not have to apologize for protecting something that is still tender.
Not returning the same energy someone gives you. This one can be especially difficult. Someone is rude to you, you don't become rude back. Someone gossips about you, you do not join the gossip. Someone gives you the silent treatment, you don't chase them around the room begging to know what's wrong. Someone continually crosses your boundaries, you don't keep making yourself available just to prove you're a good person. Sometimes people will call that cold. Let them. Kindness doesn't require you to participate in the dysfunction.
Leaving a conversation. You don’t have to stay in every argument until someone finally agrees with you. Sometimes there is nothing productive left to say. Sometimes the conversation has crossed a line, you become too angry to communicate well. And sometimes you realize that continuing isn't going to create understanding - it's just going to create more damage. "I don't think this conversation is productive anymore. Let's talk later." That's not rude, that is restraint.
Not taking the bait. Not every comment deserves a response. Not every accusation deserves a defense. Not every social media post needs your opinion. Not every person who misunderstands you need to be corrected. There is a tremendous amount of freedom in realizing: I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to. Silence isn't always weakness, sometimes it is maturity.
Letting someone be disappointed. This might be the hardest one of all. Someone can be disappointed in you without you having done something wrong. Someone can disagree with you, misunderstand you, or wish you had made a different decision, yet you can still be okay. We don't get to control everyone's feelings about us. Sometimes we have to let people experience their disappointment without rushing in to make it disappear. Because if your entire life is built around preventing other people from being disappointed, eventually you will become deeply disappointed with yourself. And that is a much heavier price to pay.
So maybe we need to redefine "rude". Maybe what feels rude is simply unfamiliar. We are used to over-explaining, overextending, answering immediately, keeping the peace at our own expense, saying yes when we mean no. So when we finally start doing something difference, it can feel wrong. But uncomfortable does not automatically mean wrong. And disappointing someone does not automatically mean you've disappointed God.
There are big differences between being unkind and unavailable. Being selfish and having needs. Being cold and having boundaries. There is a difference between being difficult and refusing to abandon yourself. You can be kind without being constantly accessible. You can be generous without giving everything away. You can love people without fixing them. You can how boundaries without becoming bitter. And you can say no without becoming a bad person.
Maybe some of the things we've been calling "rude" are actually just the first signs that we're learning how to live a little more honestly. And maybe that's not something we need to apologize for.
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