Uncomfortable Topic: Bitterness

Bitterness is an ugly emotion, but one that is so easy to carry without realizing, because it rarely starts out as bitterness. Most times it begins as hurt.

• a wound that was not acknowledged
• an apology that never came
• a prayer that seemed unanswered
• a betrayal we didn't deserve (careful when deciding what we do/don't deserve..you don't want me on that soap box, I promise)
• a season that took more than it gave
• person who kept hurting us
• a dream God didn't allow to happen

When hurt is not surrendered, it can slowly become something else. 

What is bitterness?

 - It is not simply being angry or disappointed. Bitterness is what happens when pain is nursed instead of processed, surrendered, and healed. We can be genuinely wronged and still become bitter. The existence of an injustice doesn't make bitterness righteous. Being hurt is not a sin, but what we do with that hurt matters. You can acknowledge that someone hurt you without allowing what they did to become the lens through which you see everything else moving forward.

How does bitterness develop?

 - Hurt > Anger > Resentment > Rehearsing > Bitterness

We get hurt, and then we think about it. We replay the conversation and imagine what we should have said. Then we tell the story again and start collecting evidence. Eventually, the event that originally hurt us may be years behind us, yet we are still carrying it. That's one of the most heartbreaking things about bitterness...the person who hurt you may have moved on while you're still paying the emotional rent. And sometimes the person we are bitter toward doesn't even know we're carrying it.

Bitterness changes more than our relationship with the person who hurt us.

 - Bitterness has a way of spreading. It can make us suspicious of people who HAVEN'T hurt us. It can make us expect disappointment and it can make kinds feel manipulative. It can make vulnerability feel dangerous and we can even start to interpret innocent things through old wounds. And then eventually we are no longer responding to what is happening, but rather we are responding to what happened (past tense). Sometimes we are not reacting to the person in front of us, we are reacting to the person who hurt is prior to the present moment. And that is no way to live a life where we are meant to cultivate and nurture relationships.

But Ephesians 4:31-32 says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you, will all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Paul does not say "stop being bitter", but to put it away, become tenderhearted, and forgive.

Then Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled."

You do not wake up one morning and have a fully frown tree of bitterness. There is a seed, then a root, and then something begins growing beneath the surface, eventually giving way to this hidden thing producing fruit. 

Ask yourself, "What have I allowed to take root in me because I was unwilling to let God heal it?"

Colossians 3:13 tells us, "Bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also might forgive."

Not because what happened didn't matter, but because Christ matters more.

How do we actually get rid of bitterness?

 - NAME IT. Call it for what it was and how it made you feel.

 - GRIEVE IT. Some things need to be mourned before they can be released. 

 - RELEASE THE DEBT. Forgiving is not saying that what someone did was okay, but it means that you refuse to spend the rest of your life demanding from them what they can no longer give you. And sometimes forgiveness is something that we have to surrender to God over and over again. And that is quite alright.

 - SET BOUNDARIES WHEN NECESSARY. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not synonymous. You can forgive someone and still decide they don't have access to you. You can release resentment without restoring trust. And you can absolutely love someone from a healthy distance. 

 - LET GOD DEAL WITH WHAT YOU CANNOT. Romans 12:19 tells us, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord". 

Obviously the main goal is not to forget what happened, but to remember it without allowing it to own you. To be able to say, "it hurt me, it changed me, but doesn't get to define me", while also being able to confidently and truthful say "God, I give this to You." Surrender does not have to be some big dramatic moment where everything suddenly feels okay. It can look like waking up tomorrow and choosing not to rehearse the offense again. And the next day, choosing it again. And again.

Eventually, something that once had roots in you no longer has the same hold. The wound may be part of your story, but it does not have to be the author of it.